Post by Admin on Sept 30, 2020 18:56:01 GMT
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The Seven Stages Of A Codependent Relationship
From the book The Addict's Loop by Rene Eram
Codependent relationships can be extremely deceiving and make a person feel broken, unlovable and insane. Simply put, every time the Addict's Loop embraces you with its euphoric high/fix, it will throw you off the rocky cliff to the jagged shoreline below. The Addict's Loop is an unconscious, destructive, revolving door "fixing" mechanism designed for obsessive attraction, drama, chaos, heartbreak and failure.
I have created below the seven stages of a codependent relationship which progresses like a drug addiction. The unconscious attraction of both codependent roles, the "Controller" and "Dependent," create The Addict's Loop between the relationship.
Stage 1- The drug has two legs
A magnetic attraction, the illusion of “love at first sight” and finding your soul mate is experienced by the couple. The relationship becomes accelerated and obsessive. Many phone calls and text messages are shared a number of times a day. There is an overwhelming desire, obsession, fear and anxiety to be with each other. Romantic and sexual relationships are intense and compulsive. There are premature, obsessive thoughts of a future together and a heightened fear of rejection and abandonment before and during the relationship.
Stage 2 -Rolling the joint, cutting the cocaine, heating the heroin
The Dependent can be extremely charming, cool, intelligent, funny and talented. The Dependent will unconsciously use heartbreaking history as bait and grooms the Controller to take care of him or her. The Dependent will share personal history of emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, abandonment, family deaths and suicides. The Dependent will also talk about broken romantic relationships and how he was a victim of love. The Controller connects and relates to the trauma bond intimacy. The Controller feels concern and pity for dependent's survival. The Controller feels love can heal the Dependent from his heartbreaking past and help him fulfill his "hidden potential." The hook has been set for the Controller to take care of the Dependent. The Dependent may have sufficient financial resources but still needs the Controller to carry his or her emotional life.
Stage 3 – Doing the drug and the euphoric high
The relationship moves quickly, and the Controller and Dependent will usually begin to live together within a short time. The couple is inseparable and do most things together. The relationship and sex feel like a powerful euphoric drug high. There’s an innocent stalking and worrying whether the other person is okay. If one does not check in at a certain time, it can create obsessive fear and anxiety. All negative aspects of each other are in denial, and many excuses are made for each other's shortcomings.
Stage 4 - Coming down off the drug
The Controller sooner or later becomes aware that he or she is carrying most, if not all, of the responsibility in the relationship. The Controller becomes a lecturing parent, and the Dependent becomes an entitled and irresponsible, broken child. The Controller takes care of most of Dependent's life choices and makes many decisions. The Dependent listens to the Controller’s directions and seems to understand, but deep inside the Dependent is programmed to be broken and rarely changes his behavior. Frustration builds, and relationship starts to become unglued. The Dependent feels self-conscious, exposed, humiliated, becomes angry, withdraws and gives "love crumbs." The Controller feels rejected, angry and hurt, and continues exposing the Dependent's inability to be responsible, loving and supportive. Sex life fades.
Stage 5 – The relationship becomes a bad hangover
Manipulation, anger, hurt, rejection, loneliness and pain become the core of the relationship. The Dependent sees the Controller as nagging and domineering. The Controller sees Dependent as lazy, entitled, manipulating, selfish and dishonest. Fighting, arguing and possible abuse become the main event of the relationship. Both the Controller and Dependent start fantasizing about other relationships and possibly begin having affairs. Both can fantasize about partner dying. Stage four and five can also become chronic and last for many years. Over several years, the Dependent can completely lose himself and become deeply enmeshed and begin to mirror the Controller's personality and belief system. The relationship becomes a revolving door of frustration, misery, anger and heartbreak.
Stage 6 – Out of drugs, desperate, and craving to reconnect
Affairs, abandonment, betrayal, rejection, anger, rage, emotional abuse, physical abuse, restraining orders, arrests, homicide and suicide can occur. To avoid abandonment, each codependent will desperately try to reconnect and recreate their euphoric high/fix connection. Stage six can be the most dangerous and destructive of the seven stages. Behind the Controller or Dependent’s repressed fears of abandonment can be an unknown source of destructive rage, projected toward the partner and self.
Stage 7 –A junkie on the hunt, chasing the dragon
The Dependent or Controller may return and shower partner with love and promise that things will be different this time. The relationship may start back up several times, but the unconscious Addict's Loop will continue to progress and destroy the relationship. The relationship finally ends and the revolving door of codependence seeks a new partner to repeat its destructive patterns.
Its important to understand, the two codependent roles have nothing to do with who you are and your ability to love. Millions of codependents and addicts are experiencing the same unconscious programming from the same two codependent roles. When you read the seven stages, you might say to yourself, "I've done this in every intimate relationship." Unfortunately, we still personalize the two codependent roles because they are operating and manipulating from behind a curtain and our deepest roots.
The two codependent roles are "survival roles." A child unconsciously abandons his core identity, his root honesty, his or her voice, believing he or she will be loved and received in the destructive codependent role(s). The more fear of abandonment the child experiences on The Addict's Loop, the more he will cling to his or her codependent role(s) to survive.
Learning to counter condition the codependent role(s), frees you from the multi-generational programming and behavior. Counter conditioning unconscious codependence, returns you to your true self, where you can learn to love without hurting yourself and others.
The Addict's Loop (12.99 on Amazon here: goo.gl/vFG9qg) also become a part of The Addict's Loop Facebook page, read the posts and comments. Go to my website www.theaddictsloop.com and listen to my podcasts, watch my free videos about codependent relationships and addiction. Rene Eram
The Seven Stages Of A Codependent Relationship
From the book The Addict's Loop by Rene Eram
Codependent relationships can be extremely deceiving and make a person feel broken, unlovable and insane. Simply put, every time the Addict's Loop embraces you with its euphoric high/fix, it will throw you off the rocky cliff to the jagged shoreline below. The Addict's Loop is an unconscious, destructive, revolving door "fixing" mechanism designed for obsessive attraction, drama, chaos, heartbreak and failure.
I have created below the seven stages of a codependent relationship which progresses like a drug addiction. The unconscious attraction of both codependent roles, the "Controller" and "Dependent," create The Addict's Loop between the relationship.
Stage 1- The drug has two legs
A magnetic attraction, the illusion of “love at first sight” and finding your soul mate is experienced by the couple. The relationship becomes accelerated and obsessive. Many phone calls and text messages are shared a number of times a day. There is an overwhelming desire, obsession, fear and anxiety to be with each other. Romantic and sexual relationships are intense and compulsive. There are premature, obsessive thoughts of a future together and a heightened fear of rejection and abandonment before and during the relationship.
Stage 2 -Rolling the joint, cutting the cocaine, heating the heroin
The Dependent can be extremely charming, cool, intelligent, funny and talented. The Dependent will unconsciously use heartbreaking history as bait and grooms the Controller to take care of him or her. The Dependent will share personal history of emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, abandonment, family deaths and suicides. The Dependent will also talk about broken romantic relationships and how he was a victim of love. The Controller connects and relates to the trauma bond intimacy. The Controller feels concern and pity for dependent's survival. The Controller feels love can heal the Dependent from his heartbreaking past and help him fulfill his "hidden potential." The hook has been set for the Controller to take care of the Dependent. The Dependent may have sufficient financial resources but still needs the Controller to carry his or her emotional life.
Stage 3 – Doing the drug and the euphoric high
The relationship moves quickly, and the Controller and Dependent will usually begin to live together within a short time. The couple is inseparable and do most things together. The relationship and sex feel like a powerful euphoric drug high. There’s an innocent stalking and worrying whether the other person is okay. If one does not check in at a certain time, it can create obsessive fear and anxiety. All negative aspects of each other are in denial, and many excuses are made for each other's shortcomings.
Stage 4 - Coming down off the drug
The Controller sooner or later becomes aware that he or she is carrying most, if not all, of the responsibility in the relationship. The Controller becomes a lecturing parent, and the Dependent becomes an entitled and irresponsible, broken child. The Controller takes care of most of Dependent's life choices and makes many decisions. The Dependent listens to the Controller’s directions and seems to understand, but deep inside the Dependent is programmed to be broken and rarely changes his behavior. Frustration builds, and relationship starts to become unglued. The Dependent feels self-conscious, exposed, humiliated, becomes angry, withdraws and gives "love crumbs." The Controller feels rejected, angry and hurt, and continues exposing the Dependent's inability to be responsible, loving and supportive. Sex life fades.
Stage 5 – The relationship becomes a bad hangover
Manipulation, anger, hurt, rejection, loneliness and pain become the core of the relationship. The Dependent sees the Controller as nagging and domineering. The Controller sees Dependent as lazy, entitled, manipulating, selfish and dishonest. Fighting, arguing and possible abuse become the main event of the relationship. Both the Controller and Dependent start fantasizing about other relationships and possibly begin having affairs. Both can fantasize about partner dying. Stage four and five can also become chronic and last for many years. Over several years, the Dependent can completely lose himself and become deeply enmeshed and begin to mirror the Controller's personality and belief system. The relationship becomes a revolving door of frustration, misery, anger and heartbreak.
Stage 6 – Out of drugs, desperate, and craving to reconnect
Affairs, abandonment, betrayal, rejection, anger, rage, emotional abuse, physical abuse, restraining orders, arrests, homicide and suicide can occur. To avoid abandonment, each codependent will desperately try to reconnect and recreate their euphoric high/fix connection. Stage six can be the most dangerous and destructive of the seven stages. Behind the Controller or Dependent’s repressed fears of abandonment can be an unknown source of destructive rage, projected toward the partner and self.
Stage 7 –A junkie on the hunt, chasing the dragon
The Dependent or Controller may return and shower partner with love and promise that things will be different this time. The relationship may start back up several times, but the unconscious Addict's Loop will continue to progress and destroy the relationship. The relationship finally ends and the revolving door of codependence seeks a new partner to repeat its destructive patterns.
Its important to understand, the two codependent roles have nothing to do with who you are and your ability to love. Millions of codependents and addicts are experiencing the same unconscious programming from the same two codependent roles. When you read the seven stages, you might say to yourself, "I've done this in every intimate relationship." Unfortunately, we still personalize the two codependent roles because they are operating and manipulating from behind a curtain and our deepest roots.
The two codependent roles are "survival roles." A child unconsciously abandons his core identity, his root honesty, his or her voice, believing he or she will be loved and received in the destructive codependent role(s). The more fear of abandonment the child experiences on The Addict's Loop, the more he will cling to his or her codependent role(s) to survive.
Learning to counter condition the codependent role(s), frees you from the multi-generational programming and behavior. Counter conditioning unconscious codependence, returns you to your true self, where you can learn to love without hurting yourself and others.
The Addict's Loop (12.99 on Amazon here: goo.gl/vFG9qg) also become a part of The Addict's Loop Facebook page, read the posts and comments. Go to my website www.theaddictsloop.com and listen to my podcasts, watch my free videos about codependent relationships and addiction. Rene Eram