Post by misterlister on May 24, 2015 1:52:49 GMT
I started having psychological \ spiritual issues during the break of my first marriage and the disbanding of a Christian fellowship I was involved with in 1994 . It started as a depression and got worse over time. I began to question my existence and those in authority over me, attempting to find transcendence spiritually, socially, and career wise. I did not have any real help although I reached out for it through many mainstream and chrisitan channels.
In 1997 after a period of seeing a Freudian psychologist, he diagnosed me as schizophrenic. This devastated me despite the fact that I had no symptoms of the disorder. He made a referrals to a psychiatrists and I left his office with a scheduled meeting with him the following week and never went back or pursued his referral. He was a cold and distant therapist and I never felt any sort of connection with him. I still had not received any real help for my issues and I knew I would not get it from him.
Leading up to the visit with the psychologist I was havng impressions and strong intuitions that darkness was coming and that there would be wars and turmoil. My impressions were strong but I could pinpoint exactly what was going to transpire. I began chatting about it on Yahoo chat and decided to move out of state (California) and start over in Portland, Oregon.
Portland, only created distance between me and my loved ones so I decided after a month to come back to Southern California in 1999. On the way back to Cali, I had a spiritual emergence that was overwhelming, life changing. Filled with coincidences and remarkable encounters, that would take me a long time to sort out. I eventually, made it back home when the experienced passed and found myself in the same position, unable to progress because those around me had not had the same experiences in their life, and were quite ordinary and were mostly afraid when I discussed any of them. I had only one friend (still have him) that was open minded enough and experienced to certain degree, to guide me a little bit.
I was having dreams and impressions still. It drove me to share them anonymously in fear of being called a crazy person and shunned. I told only one friend, but he had a problem understanding because I could not say exactly what I felt would happen, I just knew a lot of bad things were going to go down soon, with some references, but nothing to get anyone motivated.
In 2000, the Bush-Gore Debacle\"election" started to unravel, I knew this was part of it. Though I had only once voted before this and I had been apolitical. I did a one man protest in my car on the I-5 freeway that got me put in psych ward for a week. I was forced on medication. I signed my rights to hold office, to bare arms and be involved in top secret projects for both defense and corporate contracts. I essentially signed a career path away. I was in I.T. working from various entities as a contractor. I was released however, with no directions on where to go or what to do.
From 2000 to 2001 I experience unemployment, I would work commercial civilian short term contracts through staffing firms and eventually gave up mostly and did labor.
On the morning of September 11, 2001 I was having a dream of two brothers fighting in a desert when I began to hear a voice scream out, "Emergency Emergency!" The voice filled me with terror and perplexity, I awoke and for the first time in my life, I heard that voice, disembodied (no one was home) with my ears screaming, "Emergency, Emergency!". I followed my intuition although I did not know where it would lead, it lead me to turn on the Television and tune in to CNN, just in time to see the second plane hit the WTC. I was in a daze for a while after that. Trying to figure out what was happening, as news reports clarified that it was a terrorist attack, I began to piece to put 2 + 2 together. My one friend that I had told what I could to had a renewed respect for me. But still, I had no real context other than Christianity, and I refused to force these situations into a biblical prophecy context. They are what they are and my struggle is to understand the truth of them. That struggle became a spiritual emergency leading to psychosis several months.
I became floridly psychotic in may of 2002 at the age of 33. voices, visions, and delusions. Lack of motivation or direction. Got on drugs.
For 8 years I towed the corporate line. I denied it all, called it delusion, promoted publicly anything that would shut me off and shut me out, as long as I could work.
In 2009 I was laid off of a job that I was never going to quit, I had enough drugs to take it.
Then my insurance got cut off and then COBRA got to expensive, and I went off my drugs because I could not afford them. The I became psychotic again, and I expereinced, in stages the same themes, the same progressive evolution into psychosis. I began to publicly question the my experience, is it an experience that others in the specific chat rooms can relate to, forums, comment sections? I got banned because, it is assumed simply a biological disease for which chemicals correct? I got back on chemicals because thats the only thing going. No alternative or real help offered. Take the pill that makes you fat or thin, better yet take the pill that keeps you in the matrix. What is the matrix, is it vitual reality, is some swift running hacker that gets a confrence call? Is it the understanding that those that experience life ask for it?
What is reality ?
In 1997 after a period of seeing a Freudian psychologist, he diagnosed me as schizophrenic. This devastated me despite the fact that I had no symptoms of the disorder. He made a referrals to a psychiatrists and I left his office with a scheduled meeting with him the following week and never went back or pursued his referral. He was a cold and distant therapist and I never felt any sort of connection with him. I still had not received any real help for my issues and I knew I would not get it from him.
Leading up to the visit with the psychologist I was havng impressions and strong intuitions that darkness was coming and that there would be wars and turmoil. My impressions were strong but I could pinpoint exactly what was going to transpire. I began chatting about it on Yahoo chat and decided to move out of state (California) and start over in Portland, Oregon.
Portland, only created distance between me and my loved ones so I decided after a month to come back to Southern California in 1999. On the way back to Cali, I had a spiritual emergence that was overwhelming, life changing. Filled with coincidences and remarkable encounters, that would take me a long time to sort out. I eventually, made it back home when the experienced passed and found myself in the same position, unable to progress because those around me had not had the same experiences in their life, and were quite ordinary and were mostly afraid when I discussed any of them. I had only one friend (still have him) that was open minded enough and experienced to certain degree, to guide me a little bit.
I was having dreams and impressions still. It drove me to share them anonymously in fear of being called a crazy person and shunned. I told only one friend, but he had a problem understanding because I could not say exactly what I felt would happen, I just knew a lot of bad things were going to go down soon, with some references, but nothing to get anyone motivated.
In 2000, the Bush-Gore Debacle\"election" started to unravel, I knew this was part of it. Though I had only once voted before this and I had been apolitical. I did a one man protest in my car on the I-5 freeway that got me put in psych ward for a week. I was forced on medication. I signed my rights to hold office, to bare arms and be involved in top secret projects for both defense and corporate contracts. I essentially signed a career path away. I was in I.T. working from various entities as a contractor. I was released however, with no directions on where to go or what to do.
From 2000 to 2001 I experience unemployment, I would work commercial civilian short term contracts through staffing firms and eventually gave up mostly and did labor.
On the morning of September 11, 2001 I was having a dream of two brothers fighting in a desert when I began to hear a voice scream out, "Emergency Emergency!" The voice filled me with terror and perplexity, I awoke and for the first time in my life, I heard that voice, disembodied (no one was home) with my ears screaming, "Emergency, Emergency!". I followed my intuition although I did not know where it would lead, it lead me to turn on the Television and tune in to CNN, just in time to see the second plane hit the WTC. I was in a daze for a while after that. Trying to figure out what was happening, as news reports clarified that it was a terrorist attack, I began to piece to put 2 + 2 together. My one friend that I had told what I could to had a renewed respect for me. But still, I had no real context other than Christianity, and I refused to force these situations into a biblical prophecy context. They are what they are and my struggle is to understand the truth of them. That struggle became a spiritual emergency leading to psychosis several months.
I became floridly psychotic in may of 2002 at the age of 33. voices, visions, and delusions. Lack of motivation or direction. Got on drugs.
For 8 years I towed the corporate line. I denied it all, called it delusion, promoted publicly anything that would shut me off and shut me out, as long as I could work.
In 2009 I was laid off of a job that I was never going to quit, I had enough drugs to take it.
Then my insurance got cut off and then COBRA got to expensive, and I went off my drugs because I could not afford them. The I became psychotic again, and I expereinced, in stages the same themes, the same progressive evolution into psychosis. I began to publicly question the my experience, is it an experience that others in the specific chat rooms can relate to, forums, comment sections? I got banned because, it is assumed simply a biological disease for which chemicals correct? I got back on chemicals because thats the only thing going. No alternative or real help offered. Take the pill that makes you fat or thin, better yet take the pill that keeps you in the matrix. What is the matrix, is it vitual reality, is some swift running hacker that gets a confrence call? Is it the understanding that those that experience life ask for it?
What is reality ?