Bob
New Member
Posts: 4
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Post by Bob on Oct 8, 2012 23:53:33 GMT
I feel as if my recovery has hit a road block. I'm not getting any worse, I'm not getting any better.
Life does feel difficult at times. I try to be optimistic and motivated, and I feel that if I do stop doing certain thing (keeping a focus - through working, hobbies, whatever) that I'd almost certainly 'relapse'very quickly.
I don't know where to take things from here? I have no contact with mental health services at the moment; I've recently moved area away from my old services (which were good), and I've refused CMHT.
I don't really see the point in CMHT and related services? Bar one or two docs, all I've ever received from them is incompetence. I think they are very able to make my mental health worse.
I guess I've become my own doctor in a way. I do my own dosages with most of it (yes, shouldn't etc... but I'm basically a veteran with all this. It seem to be all I've ever known). I'd never fuck around with too much with some of the drugs I take, but generally, I'm more scientific and sensible about these things than some of the psychiatrists I've had the misfortune to see.
I feel OK at the moment, and as if I have control - I don't want potentially damaging people interfering with my life. I've appreciated some support at times, but generally, I also feel to young to be dependent. I can imagine that it's such an easy and vicious cycle to get into.
One thing I'm struggling with is this whole ''challenge'' mentality that there seems to be in mental health. You have to 'challenge' your thoughts. 'Challenge' yourself. I do challenge myself, but 'challenging' my thoughts? I've been told in the past this would be a good thing for me to do. By a CBT therapist actually. I have tried it endlessly in the past, and it only takes me to bad places. I feel like some of my thinking is just so entrenched.
I remember a CBT therapist telling me to look at people who I thought were looking at me. I was told by doing this, that I'd realise they weren't looking at me. And that would be that, situation rationalised. I've tried this sort of stuff. There seems to be so much that I can't shake off; and by exploring it, I only prove myself right, that people, are, in fact, looking at me. And then it carries on and gets worse.
The reason I say this is because I was thinking about this when I went out to the shops. I had a typical paranoid journey into town. Accompanied by some strange auditory experiences - I was so incredibly aware of everything - like I'm listening to everything in parallel to the extent that it's difficult to really think properly. Nothing to mental, but it's all enough to make going to shops a big deal for me.
I have so many of these paranoid journeys nowdays, and they hardly improve with time, that I'm considering getting a large dog to make me feel safer.
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Post by abeautifulmind on Oct 10, 2012 20:01:51 GMT
You and I share similar experiences and journeys. This is mine. I had a mixed episode at age fifteen, and was put in a hospital and that severely traumatized me. Since then I had to disassociate the experiences there with the actual needed treatment. The problem was similar because the people at the hospital thought I was in control and misbehaving on purpose, and they punished me for things I couldn't help doing. This is the wrong way to go about it. Schizophrenia is severe as in you remain consciously aware of your actions, and can be convinced otherwise, but when you are trapped in delusions then no one could convince you otherwise without solid proof that works with your own mind. But when I was delusional my mind worked differently. I got loose associations, rebellious, paranoid, and very critical of the world. IN some ways I loved my rebelliousness and criticism. But I Had to learn my limits, and even if some cases of pure intention and ESP have been beneficial, the craziness comes with that territory. I currently am on two meds, anti-psychotic and adhd med. It's not a pure stimulant though, it may also inhibit a little to calm me down. But I admittedly have the best focus and memory/motivation in a long time. It's called Vyvanse. I'm on the lowest dose every day. No side effects so far.
Ok so about therapists. They will try to use psychotherapy to help people, but ultimately the problem with schizophrenia is that there's only so much talking you can do about a biochemical problem. Surely it is good to have open dialogue on issues and be informed about your decisions. I attest to the fact that you NEED medication in the right way to remain stable, and that people who recover off it need extreme power to manage their delusions and hallucinations in a positive way. I found it near impossible to monitor all the distractions without a little chemical help.
As long as we're careful, it should be no big deal. My psychiatrist and therapist work together to help me, but they sometimes are wrong in their judgement, and sometimes I simply disagree with their advice. But I have schizo-affective Bipolar type and Adhd according to them. This isn't very bad, it's a complex label but it makes the most sense. Because, my actual symptoms are mild and if I weren't on Abilify I would be moody more likely but I've taken it so long that it doesn't do that to me. Also, I got depressed off Vyvanse. My psychiatrist even advised me to see a doctor for my sore throat and called back immediately because I thought the strep or virus was a side effect of Vyvanse. I am pretty sure it's just a virus like a cold or something.
I have also had paranoid journeys. They were so awful!! Esp when you have black outs or memory fog, and then suspect people of doing things you may have done yourself. It worsens the paranoia. Schizophrenia is crazy ness it's like dementia because you get memory problems and cognitive problems. But I have it managed. My mom also has schizoaffective but they would describe it completely opposite if she were to ever get help. Hers is severe, but mine has been treated effectively for over five years.
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Post by abeautifulmind on Oct 10, 2012 20:08:29 GMT
PS, I know recovery is a bitch to handle. But once you feel adequate work on things to improve your social and physical life. Keep tabs on everything, like a mood diary and also you could try selling crafts or finding a job if you dont have one. I feel similar, usually when I am very recovered is when I begin to do reckless things like drink etc. But I dont do it all the time. I just like to escape my problems sometimes and its healthy for me emotionally unless I were to go too far. Being social is critical to recovering from schizophrenia. I was originally diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at the same hospital office where they changed it to schizoaffective and adhd. I do not have paranoid delusions or the like at all anymore. I am still socially aware but I just don't feed into conspiracy thinking because I can't do everything about everything...you know? Paranoia was something I overcame through therapy. So maybe give it another shot. I really depend on myself the most as a therapist. One example would be say you had the sudden fear or growing fear of being spied on. You noticed every plane that passed and thought it was watching you or spies from the government. Take a minute to evaluate that thought, look up and research, ask second opinions from multiple people, and eventually you'll arrive to the conclusion the world may be messed up and people are deff essential, but that certain events and circumstances are illogical or without a doubt impossible. Like magic space aliens eating our thoughts...ya know...that kinda stuff. I look at the ridiculousness of it and move on to thinking on better thoughts.
The most effective things with my illness: staying on top of work and reading, writing, being active, socializing at least once or twice a day, making friends, being honest with others and myself, and being healthy in every way I am able to be. Thinking positively too. You should watch "The Secret" a friend recommended it to me and it's all about the power of positive thoughts, although it's a tad hokey for my taste lol.
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Bob
New Member
Posts: 4
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Post by Bob on Oct 16, 2012 23:46:30 GMT
Thank you for your reply beautiful mind. I'll reply properly tomorrow, just letting you know I have read it! Thanks again.
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